naughtyislander

2008-08-10T21:57:00.002-04:00

So very long since i posted here and so much happening. Had a very busy winter of curling activities, 18 clinics throughout the province, a series in a Montreal club, coached a team which did very well, not up to their hopes but given the short time I had worked with them , they won 2 events were in the playoffs in all 7 other events and lost in the finals three times, and managed to win around 6000$ in prize money = not bad for a team which had never won anything in the past - i know patting myself on the back. Sadly they lost the key playdowns but we shall see this year if they had the guts needed to overcome that problem.
Actually curled a few times with an ugly senior team - not much fun but at least I got on the ice.

Debi has been under so much stress and finally switched jobs so that has relieved a lot - whic h means that maybe our live will start to settle down. I hope so. Two new puppies have arrived and take up lots of time- as bad as kids i swear - sleepless nights, peeing issues, whimpers when left alone etc etc. but they make Debi happy even if I am the one with the majority of the handling - Another few months and they will settle down - in that sense better than kiddies LOL

Hope all are doing well and i will try to update this more often - maybe some will actually read it then . hehe.

November

2007-11-05T14:23:00.000-05:00

November arrives, chock full of exciting curling activities -courses, bonspiels, the odd game or two, practices, and clinics. Now seriously, what more would you want to do it November- (well other than sex related stuff lol) Lots of things to make the time fly by- waiting for snow to fall, squeezing in getting the tires changed, a new puppy arriving soon in the household. Life is good.

Sometimes it sucks hehe

2007-10-28T20:01:00.000-04:00

Well the guys did not do as well as they would have liked, losing in the finals of the C event, but they were playing on tough ice, and against a team who was totally pissed and did not care so were tossing rocks and swigging rum- but shit happens and if there is one thing which holds true - luck and tough ice helps the weaker teams. I will have to sit them down and remind them this was meant to be practice. This speil is not the important one and there are things to be learned, important things which will help them as they prepare for the real challenge in December and January. Suck it back and deal hehe.

almost November

2007-10-26T10:20:00.000-04:00

Wow, a month almost since i last posted. Hardly seems possible but then again it is curling season and three bonspiels, 4 or is it 5 clinics, a bunch of practices,(and i even curled a few games) and the month does fly by. November promises to be just as busy - another spiel, three courses, more clinics booked, plus some curling games thrown in to keep me out of trouble, and the regionals arrive the beginning of December. The guys are slowly improving, having played well in Oakville, and then winning the junior event in Saint Lambert, there are now in the drop down phase to climb up stronger. I have not explained that to them yet, so they are pissed off with what they see as playing worse and not understanding why. It's called mental preparation and forcing them to refocus on what they want, not rest on their laurels. They play tonight late, 10:30 against an adult team not too long out of juniors, and then are staying over so a perfect chance to play mind games and hopefully get them psyched to the right level. (I am evil hehe).

Meanwhile it actually dropped below zero (freezing here last night - not by a hell of a lot but...) which makes ice conditions start to improve and might persuade the golfers it is indeed time to do whatever they do to clubs when they stop and time to dig out the winter tires which of course no one does until the last minute and the snow is actually falling and the roads are turning to ice, but hey it is Canada, and it is nearly November. Even had the fireplace on last night which made the cat happy.

Take care all.

yup it is curling season

2007-10-03T22:50:00.000-04:00

hard to believe it's been a month since i posted here - lots of curling stuff going on. My junior team is doing well -went 2-3 in their first bonspiel and 3 and 2 in the second. Steadily improving and we shall see where they are in December when it counts. My bonspiel i am organizing for next week is finally ready to go despite last minute screw ups out of my control -hate that. Actaully will get to curl myself for the first time tomorrow. and then again on Tuesday - what is the world coming to. Have set up a series of clinics for Friday nights - and will even get paid for them. Plus run a few others already this year. No snow but the ice is indeed in in a number of clubs. Wednesday's are still free hmm whatever shall i do. lol. Thanksgiving weekend in this part of the world and Eric and his friend are popping in for a couple of days. Yeah!

Here we go

2007-09-03T13:37:00.000-04:00

And indeed the curling season is underway. A seminar for the course instructors last week to bring them up to date on the latest info, now a training camp for juniors this past weekend, practice tomorrow and on the ice on Sunday for two games. Now to Christmas every weekend is booked, almost every Friday night, all Monday and Thursdays evenings, an unknown number of Tuesday and Wednesday evenings with clinics which are still in the planning stage. So I am forced to play with the old guys during the day (sigh) Monday Tuesday and Wednesday mornings. Good thing I am retired lol. The bike is in storage and the air conditionner turned off. The plants have been warned so they are on water conditionning routines. And the cat is not impressed. The roof rack is installed- well where else do you think the broom back fits? Good thing I am not excited though.

Mini-update

2007-08-13T09:44:00.000-04:00

Life changes and new challenges arise.

I've decided to take on a junior curling team for the upcoming season. We have spent much of the summer preparing, developing the strategy which best suites the players. They want to make a serious run to win the Canadian championship and have been exercise every second day all summer to built stamina and muscle. Meanwhile I have been slipping in mental preparation exercises to teach them how to deal with distractions and have a clear focus, tools they will need desperately if they hope to achieve their goal.

I was asked to help with a summer training camp and spent an enjoyable week in Roberval ( in Northern Quebec) freezing cold in the club and boiling hot outside. Pleasant evenings sipping wine and partaking of the home cooking of the hosts. All felt it was well worth the week and plans are in the works for next year already.

With September, the real season starts, every weekend is booked until Christmas, between bonspiels and practices, with a few courses slipped in, to train more coaches. I will be lucky to actually curl myself this year, at least in the evenings since I have also agreed to help with a series of clinics around the regions, taking up many Tuesday and Wednesdays during the fall.

I'm shopping for a club where i can play during the day, preferably the morning, leaving the afternoons open for preparations and travel.

And who said retirement was boring. LOL.

Off to my niece's wedding this weekend. Should be fun.

winter rules

2007-01-16T16:11:00.000-05:00

They actually used to throw these rocks at houses.

And yes winter does still exist:

and the brooms keep this stuff off the ice hehe.

Let it snow - Yes!

2007-01-16T13:28:00.000-05:00

I have been somewhat remise about updating this site what with the busy curling schedule and the holiday period intervening. We finally have snow on the ground, after many weeks of above freezing temperatures and the pretty whiteness is well worth the wait. Curling is taking up most of my evenings and weekends in one way or another. Monday nights is a curling game, Tuesday coaching an adult senior team, Wednesday a series of clinics I am giving to a group of women who decided they wanted some instruction- now that is quite interesting, all different forms and styles, but all keen to improve their game. Nice. Thursday is actually off most weeks, (well not last when I curled two games in a spiel with some people I used to curl with back a few years ago. Lots of fun, the food was good and lots of stories told) Friday is curling once again. This weekend I am giving a course to advanced coaches and so it goes. There is a weekend off and then off to Schnectady for another spiel in early Feb.

I find myself in many ways busier than when I was working, having more time to devote to my curling activities, but now with not needing to spend up to 4 hours each day in traffic to cater to a bunch of rather stupid people, it is rather nice. I am beginning to sleep in a little later, (maybe half an hour lol) and am debating joining an afternoon curling league to make sure I get out of the house during the day. Once the snow leaves, I will definitely be doing more biking this year, One of those New Year’s resolutions which I actually intend to follow. Time to go and enjoy the snow for a little bit, a nice walk through the woods, no wind, and everything covered with pure whiteness. Smiles all.

Dull weather doldrums

2006-12-14T10:39:00.000-05:00

Here it is only 10 days before Christmas- It's 46 degrees F outside and has been for two days. It just seems wrong- hard to dig out decorations which fit with white and clean when its gray and dull. And no snow is forecast until at least next week. Damn.

The curling schedule is still very full. I spent last weekend at the regional playdowns for juniors, curled Monday evening, coached Tuesday and Wednesday evening and Curl again tomorrow. Saturday is coaching and Sunday is a trek up to Quebec city to finish training two new course conductors.

Fortunately tonight is free and I get to see my grandson who is now 3 and a half yrs old. The last time I saw him he was 2. But such is life when they live across the ocean. Eric is back from university so he will be here for supper with them. The last time we were all in the same place was the wedding in Scotland 3 years ago. It's hard to become attached to the little guy when I will see him perhaps once every two years or so. They are back to Scotland next week.

I guess pictures would be in order.

Ugh. I need something to perk up the day- and it's not shopping. lol.

Snow for my birthday?

2006-11-30T16:36:00.000-05:00

Well wouldn't you know. I almost forgot Saturday is my birthday lol. I am scheduled to work in a training camp this weekend ( Curling for those of you who might have failed to read other blogs). Tonight I'm off to check out how a team plays and earn a bit of spare cash and tomorrow I will actually curl myself. The forecast is for dropping temperatures tonight- it's presently 59 F here and will drop to around 37 this evening -raining. Tomorrow it gets windier - possible freezing rain and then SNOW - yup real snow- overnight into Saturday. Haha- a white birthday - nice - good thing my camp is not too far away. Lots of wind and blowing snow possible so never the nicest kind of driving. More curling for my friends who play this weekend in the Grand Slam event in Waterloo- the top teams in the world are there and it is on www.CurlTV.com for those who wish to pick it up. Oops a new game is starting. bye for now.

Update

2006-11-27T08:52:00.000-05:00

I spent a pleasant weekend training coaches, even though in the final results North American lost to Europe in the Continental Cup. The series is now tied 2-2 with North American losing in both cases because the women's teams had trouble in the skins part of the competition. Guess some people will need to practice more. The men have a number of skins spiels during the year but I have not seem any significant number of women's events.

Showers and cool, the weather of the day. No snow until at least next week. Damn.
This grey in between period is almost depressing.

Things are tightening up.

2006-11-24T16:22:00.000-05:00

For all of you who need their curling fix:

Well eventually they got the feed fixed last night and the men (including my friends)went on to win 2 of three of the games and take a 39-15 lead. Unforutnately the women's teams did not fair so well and gave up all three games so the lead for North America is a slim 6 points 39-33 going into this evenings singles and men's team events. Things heat up tomorrow with the skins games starting up.

I'm giving a course this weekend to beginner coaches, so will miss much of the action, sigh. Oh well. And a free evening in exciting smallville - maybe I can find a strip bar.(as if they are hard to find here, lol). The weather continues cool and sunny, nice for the drive tomorrow early- a 6 am departure.

Hope your weekend is nice and enjoyable.

that's odd

2006-11-23T22:30:00.000-05:00

Well that's a surprise - logged on expecting to see the North American teams palying europe in the Continental Cup -instead got Japan vs China in the Pacific Playoffs for the world's. Rather interesting listening to the commentary in Japanese which is interspersed with words like come around, freeze and takeout, number one, number two. Good think I could predict the likely shots lol.

Meanwhile a quiet day, temp around 40 F and dropping to 26 overnight. Boring!

Too smoggy out to sit out and look at the stars. Ah well.

Thanksgiving greetings

2006-11-22T16:09:00.000-05:00

Hi to all my friends down south. Hope your Thanksgiving is all you wish it to be. And of course that shopping is a success. lol.

Meanwhile no snow is predicted until next Friday. So December may well start off with white stuff drifting down. Seems appropriate.

Curling activities continue to pick up. I'm now coaching an adult team at least to get them started. Plus picked up a member of another competitive team for private lessons. And have four clinics in the works over the next few weeks. Plus another course this weekend for coaches and a training camp probably for next weekend. And then there is the Continental Cup starting tomorrow with the US and Canada teaming up against Europe. The US Men's , the Canadian Men's and the Olympic Men's champions are there to help defeat the Europeans which include the Women's Olympic Champions, and the World Men's Champion. Should be interesting to watch.

Lazy Sunday

2006-11-19T13:02:00.000-05:00

Sadly my friends lost the final but they did win silver so a nice result for them.

It's still chilly, cloudy and about 35 F -supposed to hover around there for hte day and then clear off and drop to well below freezing tonight and tomorrow. Perfect fireplace weather. Good excuse to be naked in front of the fire with some candles burning, snuggling and feeling warm and safe. My fingers running through your hair, sliding down your back as you rest your head on my chest, lightly stroking your face,listening to your soft sighs of contentment. Mmmmmm.

first snowfall soon?

2006-11-17T11:58:00.000-05:00

First for curling news hehe.

Well friends of mine are in first place in the Canadian Mixed playdowns and will play in the final tomorrow afternoon.Good luck to them.

It's finally stopped raining for an hour or so and the sun is actually peaking through the clouds. It was 17 Celsius (roughly 65 F or my US friends) this mornign and is now dropping rapidly - with nice strong winds of course) to be 1 C or 34 F this evening. No snow as yet. But we have had our rainiest fall for a long time- was beginning to think it was Vancouver until I saw their stats- 10 inches of rain so far this month sure beats us.But then again they don't usually get much snow and we can expect a storm anytime from now on.I always look forward to the first real storm, the white covering the ground looks so beautiful and walking in the snow wit hsome one through the woods is always so romantic. Being able to stop and kiss the flakes off the cheeks,before letting my lips slide down to lick the lips and blend into a gentle kiss. So quiet and so peaceful. Then moving back inside to sit or lie in front of the fire, letting it's heat warm and relax. Arms touching, holding.

I'm back

2006-11-16T15:17:00.000-05:00

It's been many months since I posted on this blog. Time I reactivated it, especially with curling season well under way. With one of my other blogs disappearing, I hopefully will have time to keep this more up to date. Smiles all. and remember

Curlers Rock!

Canada shoots, Canada scores

2006-04-06T23:52:00.000-04:00

Well guys, after the round robin we are in second place, just like at the Brier. Guaranteed a medal and two shots at the finals. Way to go Canada. Finally a decent crowd tonight to see the USA lose to Canada.Think there were at least a thousand Canadian fans there. The Swedish cheerleaders are cute in their minis and tight tops, as they bounce.

smiles all around.

Bring on the world

2006-04-01T14:41:00.000-05:00

The World’s started today. Canada won against Sweden and faces Scotland this evening. It’s April and summer is fast approaching. Actually sat outside in the sun yesterday in shorts and no top. The active curling season is drawing to a close, although meetings are already booked for June and August for revisions of the coaching program. The first bonspiel of the fall will start August 25th,and teams are planning their schedule already. I don’t think I will be bored. They are close to hiring someone to fill my old job and after that the panic phone calls should start to drop off. Now if everyone else around me would get their health in order it would be really good.

Smiles all. And if you saw the Brier in Regina, you are amongst the many who saw me on TV. Way to many calls saying we saw you. 15 seconds of fame. LOL.

Next stop Lowell.

Brier Sunday

2006-03-19T14:37:00.000-05:00

Well here it is Sunday afternoon at The Brier. What a week. Quebec comes through with a second place in the round robin. Then plays Howard from Ontario in the 1-2 game Friday night , loses to drop to play third place winner Dacey from Nova Scotia, in yesterday’s semi-final. Now they face Howard, again, in the final.WOW! Do you think we are on the edge of our seats? Everything on the line. Go, Quebec, Go!!!!!!!.

And in less than two weeks comes the World’s.

Meanwhile the Canadian boys win the Junior Worlds and the Canadian girls place second to Russia. Congrats, you make us proud.

And it’s sunny too today and actually above freezing. Smiles. Maybe spring is here after all.

rain

2006-03-09T15:19:00.000-05:00

Rain, cold rain, not the kind of rain to run naked in. But rain nevertheless. A sure sign spring is on its way, and outdoors activities will start to move to the fore. Rain, cleaning the streets, washing away the dirty snow. Not a walk in the woods day. The kind of day to stay home and lie naked in the living room, with a good book,. The cat is sniffing the breeze, emerging from his sleep. Hearing the birds start to chirp through the slightly open window. Time to start sorting through the clothes and bring out the summer stuff. Biking shorts, short sleeve shirts, sandals. Getting excited already and we haven’t even got to the sex outdoors part.

Smiles.

walk in the woods

2006-03-05T11:58:00.000-05:00

Okay I have been doing too much sitting around for the last three weeks. Too much curling on TV and not enough exercise for myself. Time to go for a walk in the woods. Nice mild day. Sun is out and it’s just below freezing. Was sorting pics and trying to get my 360 blog up and functional but it is refusing to let me add photos. Tells me to try again in 10 minutes- yeah right. Anyway gives me an excuse to go for a walk. Lets me think and it’s so quiet and peaceful. Always feel better after and the brain works better too lol.

Feels like spring too. Smiles all.

Congratulations

2006-02-24T14:04:00.000-05:00

Congratulations

Awesome job by the guys to win gold today AND to the women for their bronze, after all the illness and adversity. You are great.

curling

2006-02-21T18:56:00.000-05:00

Well it’s a damn good thing the Canadian curling teams will be playing tomorrow. It was looking pretty ugly there for a while. At least I will get to see them twice more, assuming hockey does not interfere and take up valuable air time.

Meanwhile I whomped the team last night 10 to 2 after 5, so they quit as they should. My record for the year remains intact, in that group 15 and 0 so far. Boring stuff though. Need to find a new group which is more of a challenge.

Off to the Brier ( for my non- Canadian friends – the  National Men’s playoffs) to watch the fun in a couple of weeks. Should be a great party.

Spring is on the way and the curling season will finish in another two months- sigh. But then again there is tanning and cycling available . hmmmm. Naw,  curling is better. But it is easier to have sex outside in the summer than the winter. Oh dear . Fireplaces are good for the winter though.

Definitely worth a smile my friends.

sunday musings

2006-02-12T12:41:00.000-05:00

I’m sitting here listening to Dave, checking to see if anyone is online to chat with. Relaxing on a Sunday afternoon. I have met so many nice people since I started this blog. Some more needy that others, some more sexual than others, some who have become close friends, some I’d like to actually meet, some who give back as much as they get. Smiles. Some I’ve seen, some I’ve seen in pics, some I’ve never seen. Some I’ve talked to, voice chat or on the phone.

Each of us have our needs, our wishes, our dreams, our fantasies. It’s easy to lie on line and easy to mislead. But face to face, now that requires trust and openness. Is this a quick hello and I’m out of here? Or is this we really are friends, let’s eat together. Eating being one of the ways we show trust and one of the oldest gestures to say I have no plans to kill you. Welcome to my life.

Why is it so many hate or feel a need to tear down others? What causes us to be so self-destructive? What drives people to insult, to lash out and hurt? Are we so easily influenced by others we have no control over ourselves. Or is it just too many submissives, letting themselves be lead by alphas? Where then are the good alphas? Why are there so many leaders whose view is that they do not need to protect and keep safe their charges?

I always believed I could control my life, no one else could or should. I still believe that, but it does mean taking responsibility for my actions, both positive and negative. I accept that. I wish others would too.

Life is still good. Smile all and life gets better. Seeing others happy, makes me happy. Let’s have a smile day, and make it a national holiday.

Silly musings on a sunny Sunday.

identity

2006-02-02T00:41:00.000-05:00

Be warned the following content may be injurious to your tummy.

A friend of mine has been writing about identity lately and I started to respond to a blog, realized it would be way to long a comment and it triggered this blog. Bear with me.

I always knew exactly who I was when I was very young. I knew inside me I could do whatever I wanted to do. I just knew. Don’t know why. I remember starting school  at 4 yrs old. And learning to read, wow. Books. I gobbled them up. And of course quickly knew I was brighter than any one else in the classes I was in. Teachers loved me. And I was cute to make matters worse. So I got beaten upon by the bullies. The girls would hold my books while I kicked, bit , or whatever was necessary to defend myself. More often than not I won so they left me alone.

But in all that I never ever thought I was anything but me. I knew where I was going to go more or less and that I could do whatever I wanted if I decided to. Where does that sense of self come from. I don’t know but I was never insecure about it. Insecure about relationships with others, insecure about ability to communicate, insecure about my height – I was small, and young  in every class I was in. I was two years younger and the teacher worried about social skill development stuff.

School was so simple. To me it was play. Not work.

I grew up with few friends. Lots of acquaintances.  Never knew how much I could influence people. Decide to become a union president in a teachers union, because the guy there was not serving the people well. Won the election hands down and now was responsible for 1000 people.  In a very real sense. I had to convince them to go on strike, convince them not to strike, help them with work related problems and get to know each and every one of them. After two years they trusted me so much they would do anything I recommended.  That’s scary power.

Moved on to higher levels  of power and now was influencing thousands and the government. When I spoke it could effect 100 000 people if the  government agreed.. A hell of a lot of responsibility and a hell of a lot of power.  Yet that did not change me much, I never thought of it in those terms at the time.  If anything I became cynical, of the fact that people were prepared to just trust.

When I started coaching, then  is when I realized how easy it is to influence. And that opened a whole new level. These four kids are trusting me with their lives really.   I have more influence than their parents. Now that’s scary stuff.  But I never lost sight of who I was. It was never, rubbing hands in glee I get to play god. I got to work where I wanted to work. I got to enjoy those things I like. I got to help others. I got to be me.

What more can you ask for?

And now I again get to be me and  move into  another phase. My choice and my decision. No one else’s. Yet people are jealous – how do these things fall into your lap. How come you get to do what you want and they pay you for it.

I guess the answer is – they don’t really . They just seem to. I had lots of options open to me so I picked the ones I liked. Why did I have the options . Partly because I  have an aura that I am confident and that I know I can do whatever I want. People sense that.

The fact that I did and do, well there you go.

God  I re-read this and it almost made me puck.

Anyway what the hell I’ll post it and see if anyone else pukes

But it was an honest attempt to answer an honest question .

friends

2006-01-31T02:56:00.000-05:00

This may seem silly but sometimes it is more important to hold someone and comfort them , to help them see beyond the immediate, to be there when they succeed and when they fail, to prove you are a friend, non-judgemental, just there. The person they can turn to for advice or not, the person who is there, always there, always. What more can a person need and what good luck to have someone like that. Too often we do not do that. We worry, we want to help, we think we are helping when we offer advice. But advice only works when the other is ready to receive it. Best held until it will be of value. A hard decision at times but so much more valuable for both. Have we not all wished we had someone like that. Wise enough to know it’s time to just hold and hug. Wise enough to admit they have to let you make your mistakes (if indeed they are mistakes) and still be your friend. Even why worrying and praying all will work out for you. A true true friend.

busy weekend

2006-01-16T12:30:00.000-05:00

Well, that was a busy weekend. I worked (curling stuff) Friday evening until around 10 pm, then up early and finished on Saturday at 5:30. However, had to do some printing etc in the evening and then up early again on Sunday to finish and get home around 6 pm. Nice to be able to relax today, although I do curl this evening lol. Will wander out to my old office on Wednesday. The accounting person will be in and needs some info to prepare the income tax forms properly. They’ll pay me for the day and travel expenses – not bad. I don’t plan to rush in for 9 am hehehhe.

Life is good. Smiles everyone. Chilly here but bright and sunny.

free

2006-01-10T13:46:00.000-05:00

Well, have had my first days where I no longer wander into the office automatically. Booking a batch of appointments any time I want, no concern for whether I have a meeting or not. Have to work around curling activities of course. Don’t want to interfere with my trips to the Brier or the World’s in Boston or even the TV coverage for the Scotts and Olympics. Lol. I don’t have to get up at 7 a.m. unless I want to and can stay up late any given night. Rather nice I must say. Still have one bruise left over from last week.

S's challenge

2006-01-02T12:47:00.000-05:00

Well that was quite nice. Can’t sit very well at the moment but 120 plus to each cheek will do that. Check this out on my other site lol. Even 13 hours later there are some rather tender spots. Plus two orgasms for her in the tub with her new toy and then much nibbling.

http://expei.blogspot.com/

S has issued a challenge

2005-12-29T23:32:00.000-05:00

S has issued a challenge. A few weeks ago I accepted to be spanked on her behalf (wound up with 70 on each cheek). Some of you may have seen the results. I am due my own birthday spanking, somewhat delayed by a variety of events which have interfered over the last weeks. She wants to know how many I can handle and I have agreed to add one for every comment or IM I get over the next two days, starting at 50 of course. So you are invited to comment or IM . I promise to count fairly. Be nice lol.

gift

2005-12-25T22:49:00.000-05:00

I had one of the most precious gifts I could ever have given to me this morning. And a trip to the Canadian men’s championships for curling in Regina. A trip to the worlds near Boston caps it. WOW!

Tomorrow

2005-12-20T13:06:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow it ends. My obligations are finished to this office. Well almost, lol. A few trips in over the next while to help the lucky replacement whomever that might be. Lots of snow on the ground. Curling activities abound over the next three weeks. I am packing up mementos from my desk. The accumulated knick knacks, the pictures on the walls, the photos of my kids as they grew up. No regrets. It was time to change. I think champagne just might be in order tomorrow.

Keep smiling all.

for you

2005-12-18T13:40:00.000-05:00

You are the most important person in my life. I never want you to think otherwise. All of the things which have happened don’t matter, all of the thoughts unspoken, all of the hugs, the kisses, the love – it’s yours. I never, never thought otherwise. Please believe me. I never meant to make you afraid. I never meant you to think we were threatened. Just to make you see what was going wrong, so it could be fixed. I did not like seeing what you were doing to yourself. I know I have been changing and that makes you insecure. But I cannot just tell you or take things over for you. You have to want to change too. You have to accept. You have been making yourself sick and that hurts me so much. I see it and I cry. I want you here, beside me, awake and wanting. Let me love you. Let me make you cry out with passion. Let me know. Let me feel again. I cannot bottle this up and pretend. I love you so. I want you back. My friend, my companion, my love. The bath is drawn, the candles lit. Climb in. I am waiting.

True winter storm - about time

2005-12-16T09:27:00.000-05:00

Finally, a really good winter storm. 10 cm (4 inches for my American friends) down already and another 25 cm ( 10 inches) forecast. Throw in some wind and the drifts are piling up already. Traffic is not moving. The schools are all closed. A perfect day to stay home in front of the fire and just look out and watch as the snow blows and swirls. Naked is even better. Playing tops the agenda. What can be better than making love in front of the fire while the snow blurs all you can see. Now that brings a big smile to my face.

Three days of work left before it’s official. An even bigger smile. Bring on curling.

two weeks

2005-12-07T14:43:00.000-05:00

Only 10 working days left. I finished up the renewal and the billing. Not much left on my desk now. I still have a few days in my band so think I’ll take tomorrow off and do some shopping. (and watch some curling of course). Might start to decorate the tree in between. It’s cold and breezy – not a lot of snow on the ground. But the ice is good and fast and has a nice curl to it. What more can you ask for.

Smiles all.

present

2005-12-02T09:27:00.000-05:00

I gave myself a present of the day off for my birthday but now what should I do. Should be something fun. I could always go to a strip club and have a contact dance or two. Erotic massage also is nice. Treat myself to new toys. Hmmm. A spanking would be nice but that may have to wait. Cook myself a fancy meal, nope. It is snowing and very pretty out. Will have to give this some thought.

hell

2005-11-28T10:32:00.000-05:00

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

thank you

2005-11-26T22:37:00.000-05:00

It’s Saturday night, light snow falling, all is so quiet and I am walking by myself, the smell of wood fires in the air and so peaceful. Needed to walk, to think, to be by myself. So calming and so refreshing. No one stressing, no one venting, no one worrying. Just myself, alive, enjoying being myself, enjoying the air, enjoying the snow, enjoying being me. I am lucky to be able to do this. I am lucky to have friends. I am lucky to have been able to do what I want and enjoy it for most of my life. I am lucky to be able to decide what I want and then do it. I am lucky to be given the choices I have had. I am lucky to be able to choose. I am lucky to have people in my life who care. I am lucky to be safe. I am lucky to be free. I am lucky to be able to be open, thank you my friend. I am lucky to be able to share. I am lucky to be able to help my friends be themselves. I feel and I am awed. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for trusting. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for sharing. And thank you for being you. I hope it snows soon for you.

Let it snow

2005-11-24T13:59:00.000-05:00

Well we have a definite storm here and as usual they don’t know how to drive in snow – it’s been 6 months after all since the last storm. As a result there was a 30 car pileup on the expressway – gridlock everywhere and it took me 3 hours to get to work. Who knows how long it will take to get home. Idiots! But it looks pretty and would be nice for a walk since it only -2 C here ( for my American friends 29 F). Ah well. My butt is still a little pink by the way after my gift to S. Must post those pics on yafro when I get a chance.

Made her day and that makes me smile.

Happy Thanksgiving to all who are enjoying it wherever they may be.

21 days

2005-11-23T15:11:00.000-05:00

21 theoretical working days left. Yahoo. And curling looms big on the horizon for December. The Olympic trials from December 3rd to December 13th. How will I get any work done? And then there is my curling tonight and tomorrow. A bonspiel starting on Friday for the weekend. Next week, Kenogami for the weekend- another bonspiel – and did I mention I curl Tuesday and Thursday. Oh and I have to squeeze in my birthday on Friday the 2nd. I promise not to curl that night. Hmmm. How will I occupy myself?
Smiles everyone.

Finally

2005-11-15T17:08:00.000-05:00

It’s done and cannot be undone. Not that I want to undo it, heaven forbid. But now it has really happened. Finally it is real. I will leave this job in a few short weeks. The paperwork is done. There will be a transition period of course but then I am free to pursue my interests in curling. A fun job and just an extension of what I have been doing more or less voluntarily for several years now, but I will get paid, even better. Lol. And since it is only a few hours each day, I will have lots of free time for my other avocations. I will be busy but doing the things I want to do, when I want to do them, and how I want to do them. And should I not like anything, I can walk away from it, and pick up something else. No more idiots. No need to listen to drivel. No more bullshit. Six months ago, I had never even thought of this. Thank you my friend for helping me to see.

And if that isn’t enough of something to smile about, it snowed today too. My birthday is two weeks from now but what presents to get.

peaceful

2005-11-05T14:19:00.000-05:00

A sunny peaceful afternoon, relaxing, reading, the computer on nearby in case anyone wants to chat, and listening to Dave. The cat is asleep next to me. The house is so quiet. Time to think and time to refocus again. I do know where I want to be in a few short months. That has not changed and I did empty that third drawer. Smiles. Now to think past that and decide what I want to do, what my goals will be, what my challenges will be, what my life will be. Curling will be a central part, at least for a while. And my circle of friends is growing bigger, online at least. I have met such nice people and keep learning. I think that was what I was missing the last few years. I was stagnant, stuck and surrounded by idiots. And they expected me to stroke them, ha! My curiosity is alive and well and I am surprised at how open I have become. It’s quite a different feeling. So refreshing. I like being challenged and chatting with intelligent people. And I get to say bugger off to those I do not respect. And that is so, so, satisfying.

And then there is six hours of curling on TV tomorrow. I haven’t turned on the TV for so long, and I thought I had nothing to do tomorrow. Now that makes me smile. It’s supposed to rain anyway, a good day to veg.

Life is good.

A beautiful morning

2005-11-01T11:26:00.000-05:00

A beautiful morning and another day has passed. Back from the wilds of Southern Ontario, 7 games in three days and then I played last night. Not enough sleep and that makes for poor judgement as often as not. So I will sleep tonight and put any decisions on hold until the weekend allows time for calm, rational, communication. At least I can hope for that. I was booked for meetings all weekend but have wiggled my way out of them.

Meanwhile, I will maintain my path to my goals. I am emptying the third drawer of the filing cabinet today. Only essential files will remain for my successor in the last drawer. The piles on the desk continue to shrink. (Although the phone messages have built up while I was away. Such a surprise- not.)

Have to go and pick up a new printer, a couple of monitors, and a new hard drive. I love spending someone else’s money. And it gets me out of the office.

Smiles. Life goes on.

changing times

2005-10-27T08:58:00.000-04:00

35 cm of snow fell 70 km from here during the night. And the clocks fall this weekend. We’re off to a curling bonspiel in London Ontario. Two games tomorrow, three on Saturday and two on Sunday, back home Sunday evening. It must be almost winter. There was even frost on the car.

It’s hard to believe that it is almost November. Two months since I announced my decision and no hint of any action. My filing cabinet has two empty shelves in it. And my book case has three. Next week I will empty a third shelf in the filing cabinet. This will happen. My mind will not be changed.

Finally, I have an admission that I am not  responsibility, for anyone but myself.  You get yourself into your own messes and have to get yourself out of them. I cannot do it for you. And you said that. Yeah!!! About time. Now do something about it. I will not take over any of your commitments. I resent your calls asking me to do this little thing and that because you can’t cope, especially if it’s an hour out of my time to cover because you are working overtime and then come home and work 4 more hours. So we shall see if there is  difference. Maybe next time “Nothing is wrong” will actually be true.

The cat has crawled into my lap. He wants a cuddle.. I guess my lap is comfortable.   Cuddling is a lap is nice. A naked soft body, not the cat, even better.

Now that brings a smile. Time to face the world and get rocking.  See you all later.

no scowling allowed

2005-10-22T13:11:00.000-04:00

I am home, no one here – probably a good thing. I’m starting to get angry and that is not a good sign. Why should I be the one to bend, to appease, to have the guilt trip laid one me. Why should I be expected to take on something not of my choice but because you took on too much and can’t handle it. It’s your problem. Solve it but not on my back. You’re over- extended I know. Deal with it. I am prepared to support but I’m busy shedding things I don’t want to do. Why should I take your stuff when it takes me off my path. Prevents me from doing what I would like to do. I don’t need you walking out and looking at me as if I’ve done something wrong. Grow up.You refuse to talk. So be it. I am prepared to talk anytime you are ready, but not prepared to give in to your pressures. You refuse to sleep properly, you are exhausted, you will get sick. Not my fault, there are solutions. I take care of myself. You must take care of yourself. We are supposed to be equals. Helping is not the same as I take over what you committed yourself to doing to prove to the world you could. Find yourself. And come talk to me.

I’m going to go throw a bunch of rocks and then listen to dave.

It’s nice and cold out and sunny. Deserves a smile not a scowl. I have promised myself to smile every day. Breathe deep and smile – yes. I’m out of here.

nothing

2005-10-21T11:08:00.000-04:00

Why is it that when you see someone is upset, annoyed or bothered by their body language, 90% of the time when you ask what is the matter, the answer is “nothing”. You known damn well there is something, so you sit there trying to figure out what in your mind. And days later something pops out. Why can’t it be said right away and save the effort.

If I’m told nothing one more time, I’ll assume it to be true. And the “nothing” person will have to bear the consequences.

goals

2005-10-18T18:19:00.000-04:00

Well, well – not well. I actually managed to get sick – sore throat, head twice as big as it should be. That’ll teach me for gloating. Meanwhile it has left me abed and with lots of time to think. Not always a good thing, but this time it probably is. I got to chat with friends, valuable friends. Helps me in my thinking. Reconfirms some choices I have made and keeps me from making a mistake.

I will continue on my path. This will be my choice no one else’s. For too long I have let others influence me and allowed myself to be affected and have done things to keep others happy. It will be hard, but it will be good. I cannot save anyone. They must save themselves. I can only be there to hold and comfort. To help in the transition. To allow them to become the adults they are supposed to be.

I see my goals and I will achieve them. They must see their goals and achieve them. I cannot do it for them.

And I get to curl tonight despite everything. I’m not that sick.

Hehe.

Curling season

2005-10-12T13:18:00.000-04:00

Curling season is now in full swing, and took up much of the weekend. Had Monday off, but worked on preparing our junior bonspiel which starts tomorrow and runs until Sunday afternoon. Then helped two teams last night improve their skills. Tonight will be another session with two teams. It is clearly what I enjoy doing and look forward too. So once again I have something to smile about.

My retirement project is still pending, with no hope this week of a clear resolution. But I have cleaned out another drawer in the filing cabinet and one shelf in the bookcase. Tomorrow I will complete the renewal of the insurance plans and can close the books on that dossier. This will be the last time I do it. After which I shall start cleaning the files piled on my desk, closing out individual cases and compiling the information to be passed on to whoever will take over.

My irritation factor is showing though, tolerance for idiocy is clearly dropping and my patience is significantly less. Am I surprised? Not really. Fortunately the answering machine is there. Voice mail purgatory.

Only 5 degrees today – nice and cool. Good.

on hold

2005-10-06T18:49:00.000-04:00

Things are somewhat on hold and I want to push them forward but cannot. The weather is too hot and curling is difficult. The meetings went well and tomorrow ends that.( One good thing). I feel frustrated. Want to move forward. Everyone around seems to be sick.
Maybe it’s the weather, but everywhere I turn someone is sick, fighting some unknown something – fatigue, stress, worry, overwork contributing to make them worse. I am trying to be positive and look at the good parts. Wanting to help but knowing there is only so much I can do. Support but knowing they must decide. Needing to do something, something physical, to push myself, to make my body feel, to release my stress.

I cannot and will not accept this. I will not allow my self to dwell on this frustration. I will be positive. I will force issues. I will get what I want. I will free myself.

So many changes happening so fast. Some I can control, others not. Some I want. Some not. But I will adapt and I will go on. I will not allow myself to forget my goals.

And I will find something to smile about every day.

Soon the leaves will turn colour.

Soon the snow will fall.

Soon I will be free.

closer and closer

2005-10-02T12:29:00.000-04:00

Negotiations are officially over. The votes are being taken. The tally will be in and soon I will see Alan again. Time to talk, time to plan, time to decide. But it may be next week. I’m out of the office most of this week on the last meeting of my government committee. Then it is our Thanksgiving. I give a course Saturday, Sunday (curling of course). Then Monday is off. Tuesday or Wednesday seem the likeliness window of opportunity. Then meetings with the insurance company, and a curling bonspiel to run Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Hmmm. The whole next week is actually free, other than the evening curling activities, which have yet to be booked. I’ve emptied one shelf in my filing cabinet so far. Next week, another one will be emptied. Two more to go then. And a few heaps on my desk, but even they are shrinking. It will happen. There is no doubt. I’m just getting impatient, not wanting to wait it out.

But the ice is in and that is good. Sunny and warm too. Even better.

fall

2005-09-29T16:19:00.000-04:00

It’s fall. Yes! And soon to be winter. My favorite season. Snow storms are so powerful. And curling happens too. Hehe. Fires. The anticipation of the first snowfall. Sitting inside looking out at the swirling flakes. Cuddling. Hugging. Venturing out. So clean, so white, so soft looking. The first snowball. Running through the flakes, playing in the snow. Laughing and giggling. Kids again. Somehow it is so romantic.

The ice storm we had. Weeks without power. Eating everything in the freezer. Using the BBQ at -40. Lots of candles burning. Keeping each other warm. Lots of in bed time. Cat turning gray from the candle smoke. So much better than no A/C in the summer.

Smiles. Happy thoughts.

Super eh?

the power of words

2005-09-27T19:40:00.000-04:00

Words are so powerful, yet do not always convey the subtle nuances. The intonations which colour the meaning, the local usage which makes all of the difference. We paint pictures with words. Written is so meant to be so much more permanent. People wrote letters knowing it could be days before the other person received the letter so each word was thought out, so careful, so perfect, so planned. Now IM is here and words are typed as fast as possible, without much thought of the consequences, they spew out, they are there, they have to be dealt with. Spoken, people hesitate, think, in fear of being misunderstood and can correct with body language or tone. Bald words are so much harder to interpret- we have to relearn how to build in the subtleness into the IM system- emoticons are too easy- too simple to call up – to cover up.

The soft touches, the hugs, the touching is harder when on line. Tears are not seen. Reach out and touch someone still is so true yet happens less and less. When it does happen online it is precious and needs to be savoured and held. Take the good.

And smile and give good back.

Monday

2005-09-26T10:56:00.000-04:00

A rainy Monday morning and I could use more sleep. Wanted to just crawl back under the covers and ignore the day. Spent the weekend helping run a curling training camp for 100 kids trying out for the Canada Games selection here. A lot of fun, but not much sleep. Friday it was 11:30 when I got home, only to be back there for 7:15 Saturday morning until 10:30 that evening. Sunday was 7:15 again. Filming deliveries and showing the kids how to improve their technical skills, plus two presentations on strategy. Sure keeps your mind off everything. Now I have to go back to earning some money to fund my weekends. Lol. At least for a little longer. Hope to have a meeting today with my boss, to straighten out the timelines for my departure.

Another good night sleep and my mind can turn back to being horny.

anger

2005-09-22T15:46:00.000-04:00

I was taught at a very early age that anger is not allowed. It cannot be permitted to exist. It must be controlled and disappear. But my brain knew it existed, hidden deep inside, festering, waiting. So when it appeared, I did not know what to do. I wanted to run and hide, find a closet, anything. Instead I broke a door. One punch and it flew off its hinges. Then I sat and glowered, stewing for hours. I did not punch the people who asked how I was. I bit my words, just leave me alone. I was angry with myself that I was angry. How dare this happen. How could I have let myself be this way.

Then I finally let go and I cried.

The best thing that I could have done.

risk

2005-09-22T15:32:00.000-04:00

The other thing I was taught was to not let anyone get close to me. You can’t get hurt if no one touches you emotionally. Don’t ever open up. Don’t ever be vulnerable.
Don’t ever take a risk. Don’t ever allow anyone to know you –fully. Your fears, your wants, your hopes, you joys, your sadness. It can’t be used against you if they don’t know. My mother did a good job. I’m still working on this one, oh so many years later. It was awfully lonely in there. But no one knew, not even me.

Now I know.

another step

2005-09-21T18:20:00.000-04:00

The end is indeed closer. No negotiations today, just politicians trying to find a way out and blaming everyone but themselves. So there were no phone calls. No one in the office nattering. So quiet I took the afternoon off. Planned to go home and have a nap, but stopped by the curling club and threw rocks for an hour. Better than a nap. Then went home and had a nap. Best of both worlds. And now we wait for the final results. Then they will have time to deal with me leaving. A curling training camp this weekend. On the ice for three days- what could be better. (other than sex of course lol) But playing with rocks is a decent second. They are so hard and round. They bump up against each other. And the cries of HARDER and HURRY are heard. And playing with ice can be so much fun.

zooey

2005-09-19T17:17:00.000-04:00

Another zooey day in the neighbourhood. Came home to nap between negotiation sessions and the phone never stopped ringing. Got maybe a 30 minute nap. Have to look at the bright side – at least I got 30 minutes. Lol. But we are edging closer and closer to the end. By tomorrow late, this may yet be finished. Unless they decide to continue at which point it won’t be, but I do not see that. My intuition, and don’t say it’s only females who have intuition, tells me it will be over. I’ve seen too many end games in this business over the years. Hopefully will get home at a semi-reasonable hour tonight. The rest of the crew is worse off than me. They’ve been up all night for the last three days. So I’m smiling. And it’s sunny. and we get to eat decent quality restaurant food. Not take-out. Yes!

A rainy Saturday

2005-09-17T15:01:00.000-04:00

A rainy Saturday and am home after negotiations this morning. Relaxing and reading. No one else is here except the cat and he’s passed out as cat’s are during the day, sleeping on the bed, the voyeur. I’m just sitting here, smiling and being happy. Have the fire lit for the first time since the spring. Things in my life are progressing and I am working hard on the things I like to work on, and working hard at letting go of the things which have made me stressed and unhappy. Even if it takes longer than I would like I am learning patience and focusing on the goals I have set myself. I will wake up each morning and I will smile. I will lie down at night and smile as I fall asleep. And be thankful of how much good I have in my life. Sometimes it is good to just sit and look out at the rain.

idle thoughts

2005-09-15T22:51:00.000-04:00

I spend way too much time trying to psycho-analyse people. I think too much and put too much on small comments said in fatigue or stress and then take it to heart, instead of asking if I understood properly. Why do I do that? Probably because I tend to think I know even if I don’t. And I was taught never to question and have always been so private myself. So I think and wonder and ponder and then have a tendency to react based on my interpretations without any substantiation and get myself in trouble. I negotiate contracts and know better than that when writing text where very word counts. Why do I not apply the same principles to my own life? Time to take a step back, breathe properly, listen more closely – ask if I do not understand,- even if I think I do, and trust the people I should trust. And then smile.

2005-09-14T22:22:00.000-04:00

yes

2005-09-14T22:21:00.001-04:00

curling is king

2005-09-14T22:21:00.000-04:00

curling does rule

2005-09-14T22:20:00.000-04:00

curling rules

2005-09-14T22:17:00.000-04:00

curling rules

frustrated

2005-09-14T20:46:00.000-04:00

Spent the day in idiotic meetings listening to people shout who have no clue of the real world and don’t want to hear anything. It just reconfirms my need to get out of this before I do something stupid and tell them off. I wanted to get a chance to confirm the earliest possible date but not today and not before Monday. Our negotiations have a deadline of Sunday evening – may be a hectic four days to come or might be nothing. One way or another this is supposed to end and then I will get my chance to spent a few minutes setting up my leaving. If I don’t, I might just explain, I was prepared to wait but I wish to leave now! Bye. I’m getting close to that. Why subject myself to this when I don’t have to. My patience is wearing thin. Besides the ice is in and it’s time to curl.

Smiles.

on the ice -yes

2005-09-12T16:19:00.000-04:00

Ahh, the first time on the ice this season. Stretching, sliding, the sound of the rocks colliding, the smooth seemingly effortless control, the proof your body remembers despite a 3 and a half month layoff. Most say the Scots created the game, but Canada has the most curlers in the world. With so much winter, this is a sport with no physical violence but requiring skill, strategy, brains. No wonder it appeals. The seventy-six parts of the delivery require use of all parts of the body. Much as in golf, the position at the start is critical. Balance is essential, Strong arm, leg and shoulder muscles are needed. Eye hand coordination is required. Fine motor control for the release. And then you have 4 people on the ice together for 2 to 3 hours, who have to communicate and work together to produce a successful shot. Looks so boring on tv to those who do not play – but for those who do, the game is riveting. Behind the glass everyone is an expert. And the bar is there too, which improves their game immeasurable. After the game the teams sit and chat and the winners buy the losers a drink. It’s only right. The rush of the game and the need to focus leaves all other thoughts aside for a time, and the adrenalin left after the game keeps you up for a good two hours. 9 pm games mean no bed before 1 am – good think I’m stopping work soon! I can sleep in and not worry, will make everyone jealous. And I’m off to the club.

No one could tell I’m a curling nut now could they. LOL..

Friday

2005-09-09T14:42:00.000-04:00

Friday has new significance for me now. The end of a week, another week passed and one less week before I am free from this obligation I give myself. I promised I would allow time to find a replacement for training and a smooth transition, but now that the decision has been made, I am impatient to finish and move on. I could leave tomorrow, no regrets. But I won’t. I will push next week though for the earliest date possible. Meanwhile, I am becoming increasingly annoyed with idiots and trying hard not to show it. I don’t think I very successful at that actually. I am told that my body language is quite expressive even if my words say nothing. When someone makes a stupid suggestion, they know what I think of them- always have and always will. Good thing I work mostly on the phone. The moments come more often now when some one walks into my office with another idiotic point of view, and I am having to be increasingly vigilant, since they do not yet know of my decision. I want it announced publicly. I want to speak freely. I want to be able to tell them to bugger off. It will happen. Time I went out and got some exercise and worked off steam. And smiled.

A weekend, yes.

Curling activities, good.

Sex, indeed.

Big smiles.

I’m off.

Good bye office. Hehe.

a promise

2005-09-08T09:54:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, feeling you next to me, warm but not hot. You crawled out of bed, leaving me to lie there but I could not go back to sleep. Got up in time to kiss you goodbye and tell you I love you as you rushed out the door. Our schedules are out of wack with each other as we fall into the winter pattern. I get home and make supper, you arrive in time to eat, sometimes. Curling takes us off to meetings or coaching and you are in bed asleep at 9 p.m., unless you have a 9 o’clock game at which point it’s 1 a.m. before you can sleep. We will meet in bed sometime in the night, or at the club if we curl the same evening.

Wake me any time you want. And we will book ourselves time for us this year, at least once a week, somehow, somewhere. More is better. This is my promise to you.

Reality check

2005-09-07T07:34:00.000-04:00

Lately I have been allowing myself to slip too easily into worry mode when I should be having fun. I tell my team that if they are not having fun they should not be there. I should be applying this to myself too. I suspect it is linked to the changes in my life I am presently working on and that still need time to soak in properly. Although the decisions have been made, my brain still has to assimilate them completely and readjust the paradigm. I think too often in the abstract and for a proper shift, you need to drop back to the concrete and then bring yourself back to the abstract level. So I need once again to say to myself- what is important? I started this in the car driving but it is not complete yet. It may not be fully complete until I really have left this job and the reality is there. Let us hope it will be sooner rather than later. My brain jumps steps and reaches conclusions very rapidly, but I have to go back and fill in the steps properly to ensure I am on solid ground. Plus I have to remind myself I want to have fun in what I am doing. Real smiles, full body smiles, laughing, giggling, chorkelling, dark cloud chasing fun. Sometimes I just need a nudge in the right direction to refocus. I will get there.

12 hours

2005-09-06T11:44:00.000-04:00

12 hours of driving and listening to Dave – my mind wanders, adrift, meandering, random thoughts arrive. Why? What do I want? Where am I? Who am I? Does it matter to anyone? Have I done anything valuable with my life? Does it matter if I have or haven’t ? Yes it does. Why have I been so secretive, so scared, so worried? Can I allow myself to let go? I must. It’s time to live more for myself instead of always living for everyone else. I’ve started. I have still a long way to go. Small steps, but so big. SO BIG.

I will always worry about everyone but no longer will I have the responsibility of making sure they are ok, other than D as I am hers. They have their own life. They must control it- not I. I can only watch and hope. And help if they ask. But only if they ask.

I will give as I always have, but leaving my job and now leaving my son changes so much. Life will be different. I have much more thinking to do. Refocussing and new growing.

Smiles.

Back

2005-09-05T15:26:00.000-04:00

Well, what a trek -3500 km in 4 days. Montreal to Thunder Bay and back – 2 days with 12 hours of driving, on two lane highway and an official speed of 90 km per hour. Yeah right. 115 km/hr mostly. Some fog, some rain. And we discovered that we had to be there by 12 on Saturday. (only Friday morning) forcing us to push longer than planned. Made it and got him unpacked and installed. Picked up sheets etc, which he left sitting on his bed back here – typical male 20 year old. Fed him and last minute hugs and off we were on the return. With only one car on the way back we could at least split the driving. Mind you 12 hours alone in a car gives you lots of time to think- not a bad thing necessarily. More about that later. Gas at $1.50 per liter in some places. Glad to be home, but glad we did this. We made his start at university special.

we're off

2005-09-01T15:42:00.000-04:00

And we’re off. See you Monday or maybe Tuesday, depending on when we get back.
Take care all. Have a great long weekend those who have the holiday.

on hold

2005-08-31T12:00:00.000-04:00

I put my brain on hold last night and read and relaxed. Sat and cuddled and had a glass of wine. Happy good health is returning and life can start to get back to normal at home. Today is packing day as we get my son ready for university. No time for major thinking here either, probably for the best and the weekend will be tied up driving with no computer access until Monday. Another hard task set for me, being away from the computer for that long. Sigh. Smile. I am so hard done by.

thinking

2005-08-30T09:57:00.000-04:00

It never fails to astonish me how I keep getting challenged these days. I don’t think I was supposed to be challenged yesterday, but it has happened. Blogging and chatting continue to make me think, to re-evaluate preconceived ideas, to look at the important things in life, the important people and the precious people, to re-look at myself. What do I want? Where do I want to go? How do I want people to see me? How do I want to see myself? I woke up this morning at 5:30. My brain would not let me go back to sleep. I had to be sure all was okay. I got up and checked. All was quiet. Sleep filled the room. Even the cat was asleep. So why was I awake? What had stirred my brain so much I could no longer sleep? I sat listening to Dave and thinking, quietly, calmly, breathing. I wanted to stay home today, not go to work and continue thinking. I went back to bed and cuddled up, wrapped my arms around and held on, feeling the warmth and comfort, the peace I get.

I want

2005-08-27T23:13:00.000-04:00

I want you. I need you. I worry for you. I feel for you. I want to touch you. I want to hold you. I want to caress you. I want to kiss you. I want to hug you. I want to feel you. I want to help you with anything. I want to make you happy or help make you happy. I want to rest my head on your knee. I want to feel your hand on me – anywhere. I want to protect you. I want to protect all that is precious to you. I want to do anything you want me to. I want to talk to you. I want to bond with you. I want to be a part of you.

I want to be yours. I want to know I am yours. I want to feel safe. I want to know I am your pet.

A word, a touch, a tiny chat pleases me.

I smile and purr and feel my head rubbing your leg.

Some would say I’m wanton –no I’m wantin’ hehe

Still can make terrible puns.

I am happy. Big smile.

smiles

2005-08-25T21:16:00.000-04:00

I’m still smiling – even though I have been to Quebec and back and had three hours of sleep and sat threw 15 hours of meetings in the last 24, I still smiling. Boy have I made the right decision. I’m giving a course tomorrow 9-9 Saturday 9-9 and Sunday 9-1 so will be very busy but doing stuff I want to do. My butt still hurts a bit hehehe. :-) . New challenges, new things happening, wow what a summer. And what a winter it promises to be. Just have to do my work and dream. I’m not sure if I would have taken this step if I hadn’t started blogging. Such encouragement and such making me see outside the box has contributed in large measure to my seeing where to go. Plus the support from my family. I probably should have done two or three years ago, when I started getting bored. I don’t do bored well and everyone around me knows. I communicate with body language a lot. Happiness kind of spurts out- whoops so do other things spurt –guess it goes with it. Tehe.

free

2005-08-24T16:05:00.000-04:00

I don’t know if I can explain the feeling of freedom, the weight lifted off my shoulders, the I can walk away anytime feeling, the I’m not responsible anymore feeling. Wow. I am still bouncing for sure, I keep smiling, I keep giggling, I want to talk to everyone and tell them, I want to share this wonderful thing, I want everyone to be happy around me, I want out of here today- time to go home and screw it. yes! I don’t care what anyone thinks. I can say what I want. I can play if I feel like it. I can do something which is fun. I can enjoy life again. I am being selfish but I can’t help it. and I am so thankful for the support I have which allowed me to actually do this. Purrrrrr. And I go spanked this morning –I still feel it hehe. The world is good. Time to prepare a surprise.

2005-08-24T08:56:00.000-04:00

well and truly spanked

yes!

2005-08-23T11:48:00.000-04:00

It really is done and done properly now. I got to speak to A after all and explain why I wanted to do this and he does understand. In fact he is being very supportive. Asked when I want to leave and whether I wanted to leave earlier or not and we talked of possible replacements and transition issues and how all of that might be arranged. He will think about how to tell the powers that be and we are going to explore several options for how I leave and when. He wanted to be sure I was okay with the decision and it was really final and while he will miss me – after all we’ve been involved in this stuff together for over 25 years – he truly understands. I am glad, very excited that I’ve made this decision and yet sad – it will take some time to fully sink in, but I am committed to this step and it is the right thing to do. Break out the champagne!

i did it

2005-08-22T17:27:00.000-04:00

Well, it’s done sort of. I spoke to Alan and told him, I plan to retire as soon as he can find a replacement. But we did not get any further than that. We were interrupted by others who think they are more important and I will not get to speak to him again until some time next week, since he is off to meetings for the next three days and I am off on Friday, then we have another meeting on Monday so it will be next Tuesday at the earliest that we can talk more. He was ok, but taken aback to say the least. I didn’t even get a chance to explain why etc. Humph. But at least he knows. Now I have to see when he wants to tell the rest of the staff and our political bosses. But I did it.

tomorrow

2005-08-21T20:18:00.000-04:00

So here we are Sunday evening and I go back to work tomorrow, seven weeks since I set foot in the office although I did work one week in the middle out of the office. This is the longest break I have had in all of the years I’ve worked there and I can’t say I’m all that excited about going back. Tomorrow I plan to tell Alan I am going to retire and he should start thinking of how to find a replacement. I know he will be upset but understanding but still I hate to desert him –I’m not but that is kind of what it feels like. I worked there for more than 25 years and we have built up a very close friendship. I had told him in June there was the opportunity to do things in the curling world and he thought that was great but I doubt he really thought it meant I would be leaving. After all I’ve been doing so much already while continuing to work. At least I am giving him lots of notice.

Deep breathing as I relax and calm. Stomach is a bit tight I admit as I write this.

It’s still a major shift in my life so it’s normal to be a bit stressed. After tomorrow it will be done. And I can go on from there.

I still have to do my work and do it well while I wait for the process to take place that will liberate me, but I will know I have made the decision and announced it. There will be no turning back. My mind will be soaring tomorrow. How will I live through the compulsory staff meeting before I can talk to him privately.

word add-on

2005-08-19T11:27:00.000-04:00

I am testing the word add –on which allows direct posting from word- it seems very good and allows me to save automatically to word without worry of losing my blog.

I have a meeting this afternoon with some of the people I work with, we’re going for supper to discuss where we all are in terms of work and future. It seems several have been thinking of quitting so we will have an interesting discussion I think. An unofficial staff meeting over a couple of beer before things get really busy. Not all of them know what I am planning to do. Haven’t decided whether I will tell them or not – might wait until after I speak to A at the office on Monday – otherwise it could be all over everywhere before then and that’s not fair to him.

almost there

2005-08-17T13:11:00.000-04:00

well my son thinks i should do it and all my close friends - the only one i haven't talked to yet is my quasi-boss close friend who i will have to tell when i decide. he knows i have the chance to do stuff with curling and has said he thinks it's a great opportunity but he and i have supported each other for so long ( 25 years ) and it will be hard to tell him i am leaving. we have spend years together in meetings with no one else - we've seen each other go through divorces, have kids, live their problems. we will always be friends and he is still there because his daughter is a top young sailor and that is very very expensive. I wonder if i leave will he follow shortly. we feel very responsible for the weak people we have devoted our lives to, but there comes a time to think of yourself and to pass the torch as they say. This is the time i think. I am so excited really and i know deep inside this is the right decision and why should i worry - i was told by a principal of a school when i was 10 that i could do anything i want and could get anything i want if i really want it and it has been true so far in my life. and this is really not a risk- it's just a job shift- there are far more things which seem riskier that i started to do - and i spend my time counselling others on this kind of shift- why do i lie awake thinking?

where am i going?

2005-08-16T20:43:00.000-04:00

well the curling world is very interested in having me have more free time to work on stuff so that is one hurdle cleared, now have to see how the office reacts- my friends think i should go for it. I have until the end of september to make up my mind. Financially there would be little difference in take home pay with the reduced costs and savings on gas etc. so that seems to be ok. now i have to decide whether i am ready for this or not and tell people officially. WOW.

a sexquiz i did for the fun of it

2005-08-15T15:26:00.000-04:00

You scored as Exciting. You are exciting, people want to fuck your brains out and you know it. Whether it's in an airplane or on the back of the bus, sex with you is always exciting.

Exciting

88%

Hot

88%

Soft

88%

Violent

69%

Sweet

44%

Shy

44%

Wet

31%

Awkward

19%

What is your sexual style?
created with QuizFarm.com

here goes

2005-08-15T10:59:00.000-04:00

well i'm meeting with people tomorrow to discuss my future. Both in terms of what would be involved in leaving this job i have and what i would need to do to ensure a transition because i will not just walk out - i have worked with these people for 25 years and they are friends too. and in seeing if the job i think is waiting for me is really. i do a lot of stuff with them already on weekends and meet regularly so tomorrow we are meeting for other issues but will explore what options are really available.I am excited but also nervous - the kind of pre-game nervousness one has as you psych yourself for a major competition.It's been a while since i have felt this way yet for the last few days i've been tingling.

thank you

2005-08-14T21:05:00.000-04:00

there are people here who have become very important to me. and i want to thank them for what they have done for me and what they will do for me. They know who they are.

challenges

2005-08-13T12:15:00.000-04:00

my life continues to be interesting these days, as i explore more options and open myself up to more people. Cybering is still a learning experience for me. But i am excited over the way things are developing. I have met some very nice people so far. Non-judgemental, and non-threatening with many similar interests. I look forward to the next steps in my growth. This challenges my brain in ways i haven't been challenged for a while and it is having a positive affect on my personal life. I am happier, and it shows. I just have to ration myself in terms on online time for blogging as i could be online all day if i let myself. Vacation will be over shortly and i will be back to being busy but will find creative ways to maintain my online links and my blogs.

I am thinking very seriously of changing jobs to free up time for myself, and to allow me to explore new curling initiatives i am involved in. The job i have now is starting to get boring with no real new challenges to it. It could be the right time to move on and at the same time give me more freedom for myself. There are a number of steps which need to be taken however before i make the leap. This is not something i can do overnight given the particular job i have and the difficulty in finding a replacement and training the person.

thoughts on blogging

2005-08-08T14:12:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted much here yet - was away on vacation and then ib was down but is finally back. I can't decide what to post here. I need to spend a day or two getting this blog set up properly but i will continue posting on ib. you meet the nicest most open people there. i think this blog will have more of my private thoughts -musings if you like.

100 things about me

2005-07-13T17:29:00.000-04:00

100 things about me

1. I’m horny a lot
2. I love to be bitten
3. My nipples are my most erogenous spots
4. They are always erect
5. I love to curl
6. I love to bike
7. I love camping
8. I love d
9.I have few close friends
10. Those I have are very dear –never to be forgotten
11. I am very private
12. I know a lot of people
13. A lot of people think they know me
14. They don’t
15. I control them and they do not even know it
16. I don’t even have to speak
17. I am way too intelligent
18. I am impatient with less intelligent people
19. I see patterns
20. I think in patterns
21. I am very visual
22. I read a lot
23. Hundreds of books a year
24. I read sci-fi, fantasy and erotica
25. I work too much
26. I love to cook
27. I love spicy food
28. I don’t watch tv
29. I have 4 computers
30. I have three printers
31. I love sex toys
32. I loving playing with sex toys
33. I love being played with with sex toys
34. I want to have someone control me - at least sometimes
35. I protect my family
36. I left home at 16 to go to university
37. I never went back
38. I’d never seen an escalator before
39. I paid for my university myself
40. I shave my body for the summer
41. I shave my pubic region all year round
42. I like being naked
43. I sleep naked
44. I walk around naked in my house
45. I type on the computer naked
46. I work for a union
47. My job is to help people
48. Who can’t help themselves
49. I do
50. I will try any different food I can find
51. At least once
52. I grew up by an ocean
53. I miss the ocean always
54. I love to walk on the sand
55. I love the peace and solitude
56. I love the waves
57. I hate to swim
58. I love being on the water
59. I love sailing
60. I love to watch storms
61. I watch people
62. All types of people
63. Male or female
64. I judge people
65. I see lots of shades of gray
66. It takes me a long time before I trust someone
67. Most of the time.
68. I am often alone
69. With many people around me
70. I don’t really like parties
71. I go to them because I must
72. I’d rather read a book
73. On vacation, I read 3-4 books a day
74. For two weeks
75. When I do something I do it.
76. I dream a lot
77. Vivid intense dreams
78. I remember them and don’t want to let them go
79. I know too much
80. I teach when they don’t know it
81. I lead
82. I have two children
83. I had a vasectomy after the second was born
84. I would not have been able to give enough attention if there had been more
85. I’ve had a beard since I was 17
86. I shaved it off once for a girl friend
87. I grew it back the next day
88. I have blue-green eyes
89. My favorite colour is blue
90. My nose squishes
91. I am 5’10
92. I weigh 160 pounds
93. I hate wearing shoes
94. Sandals are good
95. Barefoot is better
96. I am very strong for my size
97. I grew a foot when I was 16
98. I have not hit anyone since I was 15
99. I would if someone threatened my loved ones
100. I miss my son

nipple heaven

2005-06-28T13:15:00.000-04:00

I just had my nipples chewed on for over an hour -felt so good but she masturbated while doing it and didn't want to be touched after so I was left masturbating myself.

2005-06-27T12:17:00.000-04:00

spank it

sexquiz

2005-06-24T15:10:00.000-04:00

I tried the quiz and this is what I got:

You scored as Violent.
You are violent. To you there is nothing better than a good spank. You like scratching and biting 'cause that's what people are for.

Violent 81%
Soft 75%
Hot 69%
Exciting 56%
Wet 56%
Shy 38%
Sweet 31%
Awkward 13%

What is your sexual style?created with QuizFarm.com";

horny

2005-06-24T12:20:00.000-04:00

I never thought publishing my thoughts and starting to write a story would be such a rush. Writing August picnic has me so hard, harder than I've been in a while and reading it afer turns me on. WOW!

need time

2005-06-23T12:26:00.000-04:00

Well this is intersting as I try to create two blogs at once, each with slightly different structures but oh so much fun- I just don't have enough time to work and do this . I need to take time off and devote a full day to getting this all working and looking right.

blogging

2005-06-22T17:30:00.000-04:00

My first day at doing this after many days of thinking about it. Then decided what the hell go for it.It will take some time to set everything up the way I like it.